Be Strong

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on
the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just
give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is
probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if
we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

I told him where to find it.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Read more...

Men's restroom

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.
Read more...

Computer Jokes

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"

11.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
Read more...

Funny Marriage

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband : "I was looking for the expiry date."

------------ --------- --------- -

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife : "Yes or no."

------------ --------- --------- -

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

------------ --------- ---------

Son: " Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

____________ _________ _________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

------------ --------- --------- -

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"
Read more...

Joke

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of *censored*.

The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose. 'Why
not?'
asked the man.'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.'Well, why do you need it so
badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday.

Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have
to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were
any side effects.'

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up....
Read more...

short funny conversation

funny conversation here, have fun reading~

Condom says to Kotex,
"When you work, I lose seven days of business."
Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your tits on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so
I can have a NEW ONE every morning!

A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, name of the baby was SAM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")

A lady visited her doctor one morning.

Doc said: "You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"

Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid Replied: "MASTURBATING."(master bathing)
Read more...

Mysterious

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........

Just then the clock struck 11...

and then...

and then...

and then...

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
Read more...

Kids Say the Darndest Things

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't payingattention in class. She called on him and said,"Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnnyquickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the CartoonNetwork!"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, mythree year old came into the room when I was justgetting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey,remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "Iknow," she replied, "but what is growing in yourbutt?"

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned hercolors yet, so I decided to test her. I would pointout something and ask what color it was. She wouldtell me, and she was always correct. But it was funfor me, so I continued. At last, she headed for thedoor, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should tryto figure out some of these yourself!"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a newlitter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlesslyinformed his mother, "There were two boy kittens andtwo girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his motherasked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization thatdelivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to takemy four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances ofold age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself forthe inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turnedand whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believethis!"

Finding one of her students making faces at others onthe playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby,when I was a child, I was told that if I made uglyfaces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, youcan't say you weren't warned."

"When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather WhoDied Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like AllThe Passengers That Were Riding With Him In His Car."
Read more...

Care for your children

For those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T !"
"Don't what ?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit ! "
" No Way! "

"Yes way ! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit ! " said God.
"Why ? "

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you ? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it ! " Adam said.
"Did not ! "
"Did too ! "

"DID NOT ! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRINS" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Read more...

Plane Crash

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill
Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to
fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the
compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that
we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four
parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door
and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's
greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one
of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama
spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the
bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a
parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Read more...

Marriages

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
And after the wedding, he laid down the following
Rules:

" I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
Expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you
That I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
Fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my
Old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about
It. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, " No, that's fine with me. Just
Understand that there will be sex here at seven
O'clock every night ......... Whether you're here or
Not ."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
Their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, " When you die, I'm getting you a
Headstone that reads:

" Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

" Yeah ?" she replies. " When you die, I'm getting you a
Headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last "

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
The breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and
Says, " And you are no good in bed either ,"
And storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides
To make amends and rings her up. She comes to the
Phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
Says, "what took you so long to answer the phone ?"

She says, " I was in bed ."

" In bed this early, doing what ?"

" Getting a second opinion !"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his
Achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts
Calling his wife, " Mother of Six" in spite of her
Objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that
it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife
Is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his
Voice, " Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
Discretion, shouts right back, " Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly,

The man realized that the next day, he would
Need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
Morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first
To break the silence (and LOSE),

He wrote on a piece
Of paper, " Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it
Where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the
Man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
Had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a
Piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00
AM. Wake up."

Read more...

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load


of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,


which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder


again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.



When she is about to hand him another batch again


he asks the little old lady,


" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".


"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.



The puzzled driver asks,


"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,


"We just love the chocolate around them."



It pays to be careful around old people.

Hahahaha!!!

Read more...

A Wealthy Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place the grass is almost a foot high!"
Read more...

Time to relax.....

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you
run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I'll turn into
stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while
thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him 'is it In Dear?'...

RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 papayas
women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of
starch!

ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
'Abdul Aziz '
'Sex? '
'Six times a week!! '
'No, no, I mean male or female! '
'Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !'

SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and
sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service'

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of 'missing
persons'

SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY
section.

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u
can tell a woman to take
off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful, I'll
rather have a baby
than
have a tooth removed.'
Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the
chair accordingly.'

VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted
her
tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ' RETURNED UNOPENED '

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten
everything.

Read more...

Wife's Dairy vs Husband's dairy

WIFE'S DIARY

> Sunday night.
>
> I thought he was acting weird.
> We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have coffee.
> I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
> thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he
> made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
> suggested that we go somewhere.
>
> Quiet so we could talk.
> He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
>
> I asked him what was wrong.
>
> He said: "Nothing."
> I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
> He said it had nothing to do with me, and not to
> worry.
>
> On the way home I told him that I loved him.
>
> He simply smiled and kept driving.
> I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he
> didn't say: "I love u, too."
>
> When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if
> he wanted Nothing to do with me anymore.
>
> He just sat there and watched TV;
> He seemed distant and absent.
>
> Finally, I decided to go to bed.
>
> About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
>
> I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront
> him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I
> started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
>
> I don't know what to do.
>
> I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
> else.
>
> My life is a disaster.






>
> HUSBAND'S DIARY
>
>
> Today, England lost the match. DAMN IT..!!
Read more...

Reasons why I never visit my rich friend

Something for a laugh for the weekend!
>
>> Would you like something to drink?
>>
>> Reasons why I never visit my rich friend
>>
>> Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me
>> and .
>>
>> Question: "What would you like to have Fruit juice, Soda, Tea,
>> Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"
>>
>> Answer: " Tea please"
>>
>> Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea,
>> Honeybush tea, Iced tea or green tea ?"
>>
>> Answer: "Ceylon tea "
>>
>> Question: "How would you like it ? black or white ?
>>
>> Answer: "white"
>>
>> Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?
>>
>> Answer: "With milk "
>>
>> Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
>>
>> Answer: "With cow's milk please.
>>
>> Question: " Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
>>
>> Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black. "
>>
>> Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
>>
>> Answer: "With sugar"
>>
>> Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
>>
>> Answer: "Cane sugar "
>>
>> Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
>>
>> Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water
>> instead."
>>
>> Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?"
>>
>> Answer: "Mineral water"
>>
>> Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
>>
>> Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst "
Read more...

CONDOM

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
> pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm
> going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I
> may be in with a chance!"
>
> The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young
> man leaves. He soon returns and says, "Give me another
> condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute
> too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative
> manner when she sees me and I think I might strike
> it lucky there too."
>
> The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the
> boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on, give
> me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still
> pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes
> eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she
> is expecting me to make a move!
>
> During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
> girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and
> the mum facing him.
>
> When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head
> and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and
> thank you for all you give us."
>
> A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you
> Lord for your kindness."
>
> Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying,
> keeping his head down.
>
> The others look at each other surprised and his
> girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
> She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I
> didn't know you were so religious."
>
> The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a
> pharmacist!"
Read more...

Wealthy Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver
to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We
have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer
answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place the grass is almost a foot high!"
Read more...

Jokes of the week

Telephone Bill
>
> The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a
> family meeting...
>
> Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone; I use the one at the office.
>
> Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work
telephone
>
> Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
>
> Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones
>
> ***************
>
> Prospective Employer to Applicant: 'So why did you leave your
> previous job?'
> Applicant: 'The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'
>
> ***************
>
>
> Wife: ' Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought
> all our five kids with him.'
> Radio Host: ' Ok, go ahead!'
> Wife: ' Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of
> them is yours.'
>
> ***************
>
> Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask
> something. I know that you will be able to help me out.
> Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?
>
> ***************
>
> You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very
> loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were
> going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you
> suddenly realized . . . .. that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
>
> ***************
>
> WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.
> HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: 'GO TO
> HELL', that's why I came home early.
>
> ***************
>
> John: It's my wife's birthday
> Peter: What's your gift to her?
> John: I asked her what she wanted
> Peter: What did she said?
> John: Anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND.
> Peter: What did you give her?
> John: playing cards
>
> ***************
>
> Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
> Student: That's not true! My dad said we are descendants of an Ape!
> Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
>
> ***************
>
> Sodium Chloride / Talcum powder
>
> This incident happened on the air....
>
> Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 asked listeners on her radio program to
> call to answer trivia questions. The first caller to give the correct
> answer would get a prize from the sponsor.
>
> She asked: "Can anyone out there tell me the household name of Sodium
Chloride"
>
> A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question.
> Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a clue.
> "Something you put on your husbands eggs in the morning." she said.
> The lady confidently said : "Talcum powder".
>
> Yasmin Yusof did not return to the air until after a few songs!
>
>
> ***************
>
> Mini Malaysian Made Car
>
> Have you seen the Made-in-Malaysia car "Kancil"?
> You know, that very little 600 cc car ???
>
> Well, Dr ? really wanted to sell it to the US, so when Dr ? paid a visit
to the White House after finishing formal discussions with George Bush, Dr ?
> checks with Bush to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in the
USA.
>
> After having looked at the brochure, Bush said, "You know, I think
> This 'Kernchill' is too small for us Americans."
>
> Not one who gives up easily, Dr ? persisted and finally Bush offered,
> "Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also
> the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America".
>
> Dr ? was satisfied with the meeting and returns to Malaysia.
>
> The next day he called the number and a lady answered, "TOYS R US",
> Can I help you"
>
>
> ***************
>
> After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student
> goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
>
> Student : "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
>
> Professor : "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
>
> Student : "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can
> give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. However,
> if you do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."
>
> Professor : "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
>
> Student : "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
> neither logical, nor legal?"
>
> Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the
> student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as
> agreed.
>
> Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same
> question.
>
> He immediately answers : "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35
> year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year
> old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given
> your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is
> neither legal, nor logical."
Read more...

Kiddy's answer

Just some practical jokes to keep you relax, Kids in school think quick

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________


TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

Tchr:............_ _________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Read more...