Showing posts with label Funny Adult Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Adult Jokes. Show all posts

Wednesday

Funny stuff of babies

2 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
(this is not a logic story, its just meant for laugh, and thats it!)

a new mother just gave birth to a twins, and start brestfeed them.but few days passes, the two babies realise that they are lack of milk supplies for them, so problem must be solved, they are thinking ways to kill each other. As both babies thought out of same idea, they both get some poison cream and polish onto the nipple when their mothers were assleep hoping to kill. and guess what? which baby is gonna die? at last! the result came out in the morning...

...their father is found dead...
Read more...

Friday

dad n son chat

1 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
Read more...

make cake

1 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Read more...

seeking doctor's help

1 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
A woman goes to the doctor. When the doctor asks her what the problem is she tells him she is worried because her pussy doesn't seem to smell anymore.

The doctor has her get undressed and on the table for an exam. He checks her out and says he thinks he knows what the problem is, and it looks like she will need and operation.

"An operation?" she exclaims, "On my pussy?"

"No" says the doctor, "On your nose".
Read more...

Wednesday

African client

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a
sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very
important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she
remembers what her boss told her, don't
reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from
wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the
man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want
my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching
200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and
says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best
wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone
and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the
woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows
that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think
and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like
sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head,
looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I
cut."
Read more...

Tuesday

Children language

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
1st Scene.
Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room,right in front of their
little son.
Daddy : Oh!!! You Bitch!
Mommy : What?? You Bastard!
Son : Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : It means Ladies and Gentlemen son.
Son : Oh I see!


2nd Scene...
Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they
mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'.
Mommy was reading the papers.
Son : Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mom: It means coats and hats, son.
Son : Oh I see!


3rd Scene...
Daddy was shaving his beard and son passed by; the toilet. Suddenly daddy
cut himself and scream...
Daddy : Oh SHIT!!
Son : Daddy, what's shit?
At this moment, Daddy eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to
say..
Daddy : It means shaving cream, son.
Son : Oh I see!!


4th Scene..
Christmas is approaching, and mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove.
The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...
Mommy : Oh! Fuck!
Son : Mommy, what's fuck?
At this moment, Mommy froze.
She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy : It means stuffing, son
Son : Oh I see!!


5th Scene...
It's Chrismas Eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all that
is uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly he said... "Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your
breasts and penises at that corner of the house ! My parent are busy at the
moment. You see; Daddy is putting shit on his face upstairs
and mummy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen. Don't worry they will come
out in a minute!!
Everyone fainted!!!!!!!!!!
Read more...

Thursday

name ur dog carefully...

1 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
hahaha, a funny but sad story, have fun reading~~



name ur dog carefully...

Everybody I know who has a dog
usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy."

I call mine "Sex."

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog
license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one too."

Then I said, "You don't understand.

I've had Sex since I was nine years old."

He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I
would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait
until after the wedding was over.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world
revolves around Sex."

e said he didn't want to hear about my personal life
and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon,

I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted
a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.
He said, "Every room in the place is for sex."

I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before
the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me that I should have sold tickets.

"But you don't understand,"

I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V."

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated,

we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The judge said, "Me too."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.

A cop came over and asked

"What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had
more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first
session with the psychiatrist,

she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it
has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely,"

and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex
isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Read more...

Interviewing arab...

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast
Read more...

Butcher story

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
A Mahu walks into a butcher shop. He tells the butcher he wants to buy sausage.

The Butcher asks: "What size do you want? 16 inch? 20 inch? or 25 inch?"

Mahu says: "Whachu think?! 25 inch of course."

Butcher grabs the 25 inch sausage and starts dicing it... (chop,chop,chop,chop)

The Mahu freaks out and tells the butcher... "Ah you fuckah! Whatchu tink my ass is one piggy bank?!"
Read more...

cattle show

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
A man from the Midwest takes his wife to the cattle show. They walk down the alley where the bulls are, and when the come to the first bull, there is a sign that says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife smiles and turns to her husband. "He mated 50 times in a year. I think that maybe you could learn something from this bull."

They proceed to the next stall, where a sign reads: "This bull mated 145 times last year."

The wife raises her eyebrows, turns to her husband and says, "Now look at this. This one mated 145 times last year. That's over 12 times a month. You could learn something from this one, too."

When they get to the last bull, the sign says: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open, and she says, "WOW! 365 times!! That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn something from this bull."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go over and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Read more...

Jamaica

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
There was a white man that started dating a woman named Wendy. He was madly in love with her. He wanted to get her name tattooed on his body, but she hated tattoos.

He decided to get her name tattooed on his penis. When he had an erection it said Wendy, when he didn't it said WY.

One day he was at a bar having a few drinks. He went to use the bathroom. Standing next to him at the urinal was a tall black man. He glanced over and noticed this man had WY on his penis too.

He said to the black man, "Wow, what a coincidence, I am dating a girl named Wendy as well".

The black man said "I don't know what you are talking about."

He said "Well, I see on your penis the letters WY, I have that on mine too. When I have an errection it says Wendy, my girlfriends name. If your's doesn't say Wendy, what does it say?"

"Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day."
Read more...

elevator

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
A man is on an elevator when the carriage car stops at a floor to let others on. Once the the door closes the man turns to a woman ans says, "Excuse me ma'am, but can I smell your pussy?"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT !!", replied the woman. To which the man concluded, " OH, THEN IT MUST BE YOUR FEET !!!"
Read more...

Mongolian VD

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says:
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
Read more...

oh my god

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
What did God say when he say eve cleaning herself in the river after her first sex with Adam?


Fuck girl, now all the fish are going to smell like pussy
Read more...

Sunday

CONFESSION

0 comments
Digg it | Stumble it | Save to Del.ico.us |
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned"

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest "Like this?"(as he touched her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a
bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes; father."

Priest: "Like this?(as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what "into my "you
know where"

Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what
"into her"you know where")

Girl: "YES FATHER ;YEES FATHER ;YEES FAAAATHER!!"

Priest: "(after a few minutes)Thats no reason to call
him a son of a bitch"

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!

Priest: "SHIT! THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
Read more...