Millenium Software

This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
the "Millennium Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the
program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
after MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has
already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
out of MYASS."
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Computer Jokes

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"

11.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
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